20 one liners...

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
 
 
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
 
 
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
 
 
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.
 
 
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
 
 
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
 
 
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
 
 
8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.
 
 
9. True friends stab you in the front.
 
 
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
 
 
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
 
 
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
 
 
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
 
 
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
 
 
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
 
 
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
 
 
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
 
 
18... Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
 
 
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
 
 
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Life's Little Instruction Book

• Have a firm handshake.
• Look people in the eye.
• Sing in the shower.
• Own a great stereo system.
• If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
• Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
• Always accept an outstretched hand.
• Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
• Whistle.
• Avoid sarcastic remarks.
• Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
• Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
• Lend only those books you never care to see again.
• Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
• When playing games with children, let them win.
• Give people a second chance, but not a third.
• Be romantic.
• Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
• Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
• Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.
• Be a good loser.
• Be a good winner
• Wave at the children on a school bus.
• When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
• Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
• Keep it simple.
• Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
• Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
• Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
• Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.
• Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
• Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
• Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
• Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
• Once in a while, take the scenic route.
• Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'
• Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
• Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
• Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.
• Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
• Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
• Become someone's hero.
• Marry only for love.
• Count your blessings.
• Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
• Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
• Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
• Don't expect life to be fair.